Wish I said Shit the Bed

Hey Guys,

Just quickly — did you know we are now in 40% of Coles supermarkets (map here) around Australia!!! To celebrate we’re giving away a cash prize every month to our customers, just for being our customers. If you buy a bottle (or anything from Bunsters website) you can enter our draw to win $1000 every month! More details below.

Now about me swearing... Post videos on TikTok they said, you’ll go viral they said...

I thought TikTok was a load of crap until last week. When I was on holiday last month, my husband had just set off on a stand up paddle board in a green river with our 4 year old when I saw a saltwater crocodile trap just meters away. It raised my internal alarm somewhat. So to take my mind off the fact my loved ones were in danger, I made a sweary video taking the piss out of the situation...

It only got about 40,000 views, which isn’t anything to get excited about. But one day last week I woke up to loads of messages saying:

YOU ARE THE TOP STORY ON THE FRONT PAGE OF THE NEWS.COM.AU!!!

Oh goody, I hope it’s for my hot sauce! I hope someone famous has eaten Shit the Bed!!??

Nope. Someone stole that TikTok video and posted it on their Twitter account as if it was their own content. Someone from news.com.au saw it and wrote a story about it, then the Daily Mail saw it and wrote a story about it, then The Australian wrote a story about it, and Yahoo and Perth Now and Channel 9 Darwin and Channel 9 Perth and a load of other news organisations and Facebook and Instagram pages around the world. My TikTok didn’t get shared so I didn’t rack up any views or get any followers from it. Meanwhile it racked up MILLIONS of views on loads of other sites. Even the Channel 9 Perth Video has half a million views:

The reaction was really good. Everyone thought I was funny. Which is the most important thing in life. Not one person called me ugly, old, or fat which is also just as important. The only slurs I got were “Karen” and “Raygun’s Sister” and “What’s with that shirt buttoned up to her neck, she’s like a cross between Bridgerton and Ricky Gervais.” Most people were just as shocked that kids were setting off canoeing in a river that clearly has Salt Water Crocodiles in it. Some misinformed know-it-alls called me an idiot coz “they only have fresh water crocodiles there”. Yeeesss that’s why there’s a Salt Water Croc trap that gets freshly baited every week, just to feed the harmless Freshies, riiiight.

The canoeing company I inadvertently featured in the video got their backs up. They took to Facebook to proudly announce there was absolutely nothing to worry about:

Way to put everyone’s minds at ease! Admitting a Salty was caught there days ago and proclaiming “that’s how we know the river is safe.”

I can’t even… I have no words for this man except: “Don’t do your own PR crisis management ever again.”

To really make matters worse, he then did an interview with the Daily Mail, just to make sure his flawed logic was broadcast to the entire world:

I’m eternally grateful to this man for telling the world that I’m not a hysterical, over-reacting Karen. The tourists in those canoes had just flown in from Victoria. I highly doubt they’d been told by the canoe company that a Salt Water Croc had been caught there just days ago. None of the signs mentioned: “14 days since last terrifying apex predator caught here”

But don’t worry, the river is safe because the people making money off it say it is.

I told someone down the shops I’d gone viral and showed her the vid. She said: "I SAW THIS ON FACEBOOK ALREADY!! Didn’t notice it was you because I was too shocked!”

I’m telling you the whole country saw it. Another lady standing with us said: “I was at Lake Argyle this time last year (dry and cold season) and a woman swimming in the lake was attacked by a fresh water crocodile! (they’re the ones that aren’t supposed to bite). She was so badly chomped up she had to be airlifted to Broome Hospital for immediate surgery. There was nothing about it in the news. It was suppressed because it would have destroyed tourism in the area. Only everyone there at the time found out about it. The people running the lake said a freshie goes rogue like that about once every 10 years.”

But don’t worry, Lake Argyle is still safe because the people making money off of it say it is.

Elon Musk said: “44 billion dollars (to buy Twitter) is the price of free speech”. In this case, it was the price to spread the truth about Saltwater Crocodiles in the Upper Ord River.